I've had a lazy day so far. So lazy that I'm still in bed. Rob's at home finishing school work (which probably means he's playing Skyrim). I'm content having the day to myself - I've got shit to do - but for now, I'm thinking again of the last time he was with me under the comforter, Thursday night after the debate. We'd had a second go, and now I was the little spoon. He held me in a way he never quite had before. His bottom arm supported my neck while the other wrapped around my torso, forearms locked across my chest in a tighter embrace than usual. Then he nuzzled my hair and whispered he loved me. I felt, for the hundredth time, and yet somehow for the first, like the luckiest girl in the world. (Things I Love #22: He gives me all my favorite feelings.)
At the same time, in the back of my mind, two other thoughts formed, contrasting the contentment I felt. The first, oddly enough, had to do with Brian. Odd because it seems no matter how hard I wish nothing had ever happened between us; and despite knowing he's happy in his current relationship with a woman who deserves him; I never completely find relief from his memory. This is perhaps the only thing sadder to me than being unable to actually change the past. I thought of him because he used to hold me the exact same way.
The second memory was of a snapshot of a friend with his ex girlfriend. I'll always remember the look on his face while embracing her for the photograph. His expression seemed to say he knew he was holding the whole world in his arms. When I saw it, I wanted nothing more than to be like that girl, yet I feared it wouldn't happen for me. Though nothing could've been more wrong, it felt good, later on, when Brian held me -- because I knew he cared for me, and I was selfish and immature enough to allow him to. At his expense, he kept my fears temporarily at bay.
Lying there with Rob Thursday night, I realized the two scenarios had finally come together in just the right way. A boy, in love with a girl, who's in love with him, both reveling in their mutual affection, while for that one, nearly perfect, wakeful moment, the world and its errors slept elsewhere. Though perhaps I'll never fully shake my sense of remorse for some of the events in my recent past, they make me all the more grateful for what I've found.
Of course, I know nothing lasts forever. I've never been one who cared to look that far into the future, anyway. I don't mean to make a mere nine-month relationship into anything it's not. I just mean to say that for now, when I'm with Rob, I'm right where I want to be. :]
At the same time, in the back of my mind, two other thoughts formed, contrasting the contentment I felt. The first, oddly enough, had to do with Brian. Odd because it seems no matter how hard I wish nothing had ever happened between us; and despite knowing he's happy in his current relationship with a woman who deserves him; I never completely find relief from his memory. This is perhaps the only thing sadder to me than being unable to actually change the past. I thought of him because he used to hold me the exact same way.
The second memory was of a snapshot of a friend with his ex girlfriend. I'll always remember the look on his face while embracing her for the photograph. His expression seemed to say he knew he was holding the whole world in his arms. When I saw it, I wanted nothing more than to be like that girl, yet I feared it wouldn't happen for me. Though nothing could've been more wrong, it felt good, later on, when Brian held me -- because I knew he cared for me, and I was selfish and immature enough to allow him to. At his expense, he kept my fears temporarily at bay.
Of course, I know nothing lasts forever. I've never been one who cared to look that far into the future, anyway. I don't mean to make a mere nine-month relationship into anything it's not. I just mean to say that for now, when I'm with Rob, I'm right where I want to be. :]
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